kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
