So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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