I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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