God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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