She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
