I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
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Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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