I got chris browned last night
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The adults are the big ones right?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
