Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
