I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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