he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
