I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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