I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
