Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
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We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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