wake up i wanna do it froggy style
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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