Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
