I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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