Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
handjob tips. give me some.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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