the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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