im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
