i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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