We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
