Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
