Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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