You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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