who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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