As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
