if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
