lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
