my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
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