so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
