i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
