Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
