There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So much rum. So many feels.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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