I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
