How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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