My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
