Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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