Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
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im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
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Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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