Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
