Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
