paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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