I'm jealous of your bromance
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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