He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
