Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
