you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
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whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
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Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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