so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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