I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
