Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
