if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
