Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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