remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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