forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
