So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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