either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
