i think my mom watched the whole time
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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