my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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