I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
