If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
