just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
