Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
